Bitterness is a scary thing to hold

Jim's post about marriage reminded me about one of the promises i made to myself and to Aya way back. I told myself that before i start a family, before i get married or go into any of those things, i have to find God once again. Not religion but faith, I want my kids to grow up believing in something and i wouldn't want some idiot Pastor with an immature penchant for Dragon Ball Z directing my kids' faith. I'd much rather my children hear about faith and see a good example of what a human being should be (although the two are completely unrelated) from their own father. And hence begins another inquisition on myself, considering that I was the first person awarded the "Christian Leadership Award" in beloved Jubilee, any responsible human being that sees me right now should ask: What the fuck happened?

To answer that I'd have to study why I harbored such ill feelings ever since i graduated high school. My distaste isn't indigenous to religion alone, besides being anti-religion, i'm also very much a bigot, albeit in painful humor, against pretty much all existing races but most fervent against the Chinese. As unnecessary and stupid as it sounds, I am supposed to be those two things, A Chirstian and of Chinese heritage. So why do I hate it so much?

And here comes the main topic of this post, I'm looking for feedback (especially mula sa mga psych majors diyan kung may relevance ba yung quasi-freudian pschoanalysis ko). Instead of using the endless arguments against Christians or the Chinese to justify my anger i'm doing the mature thing and analyzing myself.

I can't think of a more relevant factor in directing my life than my mother. Congruently, i can't think of a person i am more bitter against than my mother. She exemplifies the characteristics i hate: the self-righteousness, naivete, and complete idiocy of Christians, and the selfishness, and arrogance of the Chinese. It would be much simpler to stop the post here and leave the explanation of my flaws as psychological defiance against parental acts. But that would mean that i hate Christianity and the Chinese because of my mother being so misdirected into the stereotypes of both. But it's just not the case. I can specifically determine a point in my life when I started becoming bitter against my mother. Alongside my conscious resignation into coming here to Canada out of respect for my parents' wishes came the bitterness against them redirecting (and dare i say misdirecting) my life for the next couple of years.

My prejudice and anger came as a by-product of my distaste for my mother, it became much more convenient for myself to paint stereotypes into her character and be angry at her as a reaction against her decision to uproot the whole family off to Canada. My proclivity in criticizing nearly everything in the world and add sarcasm to it comes from my defensive reaction to my letting go of nearly everything i held dear in submission (gah) to my mother's wishes. So in a general sense, my dominant characteristics come from one distinct feeling, bitterness, Filial Piety sucks.

It's gone progressively worse ever since this Canada fiasco triggered it. I began associating my anger to the things that my mom held dear: her church and her blood. Instead of developing my own faith, i grew distant and scornful towards Christianity and all religions for that matter. Instead of being respectful towards my Chinese bloodline and history, I lambaste and criticize the Chinese with utmost glee. It's rebellious inductive reasoning at its most immoral.

Not to say that all my arguments against Christianity and the Chinese are now unfounded. Christianity truly does have a horrible self-righteous side to it's system and the Chinese's instinct to arrogantly feel superior and self-indulgent is always present in all Chinatowns you walk on but let's leave that to another blog entry.

Of course part of myself recognizes what pushed her to decide to move us out here. To an odd sense, i can appreciate what she did, however, accepting her decision is another thing. As much as we shouldn't count what we have lost and at what price do our choices warrant, i can't help but think about the things i've let go just to follow her wishes: lucrative job opportunities, 12 in total, and various responsibilities and people that i've had to disappoint by my departure. It all just adds to the bitterness.

It's definitely unfair to blame every thing that I deem wrong with myself to my mother, i definitely do not. It was a conscious choice on my part and responsibility primarily falls upon myself. But cost is something we can't overlook especially if a decision (like this migration issue) is made not through agreeing out love but through surrendering out of respect for parents. I'm not advertising myself as a moral person, in fact this post is anything but that. This is an attempt to first recognize how hideous i have become and second, to understand why i'm so fucked up.

I am at a point of indecision. Recently my mother learned of the sacrifices i made by coming here especially with me prematurely leaving the Glee Club and not being able to tour Europe with them. She admittedly feels guilty about it. Guilty enough to arrange flights and an itinerary and stop short of commanding me to go to Europe joining the group for the latter leg of their trip. Perhaps as a way for her to buy back what we've lost in our relationship or even to buy herself out of guilt.

As a testament to how hideous a person I am, I don't know what's more important to me right now. Allow my mother to live out her guilt or join my friends in Europe for two weeks and alleviate that guilt from my mother?

I can honestly say that her feeling guilty gives me a tinge of satisfaction. It's a sincere sweet taste in my mouth knowing that she's agonizing about the fact that she made me lose so much, even thinking about it indulges me. This is how horrible a person harboring bitterness inside can turn out. I'm literally admitting and attesting to how monstrous a son I am for feeling elated at my mothers expense.

I don't know if this post is a confession or merely an aired out secret. A confession requires a change of heart but my situation has come to such a sad point where I do not know if want this bitterness and anger to go away. Bitterness is a scary thing to hold.