doing better

I've been meaning to write to our blog since it started but it's been consistently delayed and moved later due to circumstances. and now i find myself writing my first official blog entry while in my office where i'm supposedly being paid to be productive hehehe.

yes i am in the office, our internet connection at home was removed because we were supposed to downgrade the connection but my mother who is either brilliantly scheming or incredibly ignorant, just opted to not apply anymore until i get back in m%#$%@#!%$ december! para daw pumasok ako sa office.

anyay hindi tungkol dun yung entry na ito.

I am one of the seven students who graduated from AdMU Economics-Honors 2006. something to be happy about, true, but looking back at my whole college life especailly when compared to my other blockmates it consistently nags me... I could have done better.

It was only when we were lined up in graduation practice that the dreaded feeling came upon me. To see five out of the seven EcoH graduates march up while being announced: Suma Cum Laude, Magna Cum Laude, Cum laude and two honorable mentions. while I just get my name and a rolled up a4. It kicks in, the dreadfulness of being directly compared to other individuals who have outperformed me. I am the other statistic, the mediocre EcoH. It's not so much as not getting a medal as it was not achieving what is expeted of me. It honestly sucks.

What embitters me is the fact that I only needed .06 to finish with honorable mention. if i needed a whole 2.5 then screw it id be glad i even passed! but .06, it meant that if the c+ in theo was a b+; or the c in matrix calculations was a b; or if I had more time to study; if i had less responsibilities; if i wasn't out that much; if I weren't the Glee Club president; if i wasn't as active and a micromanaging fanatic as glee club president; if i spent more time studying and not going out, or playing ps2 or rehearsing or playing poker . too many ifs to consider.

yeah too many ifs to consider when i shouldn't be considering them at all. it would've been far easier to blame the Glee Club or jim (hahaha joke lang) but it would have been wrong. It was my fault and i knew where i made the wrong choices. The grown up thing to do is to learn from the whole thing and move on. but it just doesn't go away. Regret. Regret sucks.

I'm not blaming anybody except myself for my leaving school without better grades. I just had to relese the regret portion out. I could have done better i admit it. Maybe i just needed to say that.