The E value

A previous entry entitled “The perfect face” written about a year ago was able to qualify one’s aesthetic value using the Fibonacci sequence (that of 1.618), then made into a facial template of pentagonal increments. Painstaking comparisons have established that the perfect face, one whose face matched the template with immaculate similarity belonged to 1.) Tom Cruise, and not surprisingly, (but more importantly) 2.) Mark Eugene Ong.

Convincing as it is, this aesthetic value is but an incomplete portrait of benchmarking the one whom the Lord bequeathed to all of us - for all women to worship, and for all men to envy. Cultural limits meant that Mark Eugene Ong has to be used as our model to derive at our formulaic derivation for one’s value (for societal standing), dubbed the E value * – the Eros value. This then, is an apt complement the subjective visual perception congruence of one’s aesthetic value.

Thus, the aim of this entry, is to be able to quantify how one could be like Mark Eugene Ong (by the way, our group blog is two years old. Yay! Take this as a commemoration).

Consider the following:

Value = Status
Status = Skills + Relationship + Power
Value = Skills + Relationship + Power

The simplest representation of the E Value is Skills + Relationship + Power. The greater these three factors, the greater one’s E value is, and conversely, the smaller it is, or one is found to be lacking, one’s E value is drastically lesser. Therefore, it is imperative that one should develop a holistic growth of these three factors. Kudos, Eug.

Skills = [s]
[s] = basketball [b] + DoTA [d] + Weights [w]
[s] = b + d + w

To be able to successfully compute one third of the E value, one must take into consideration the factors that make up Eugene’s skills (at least to common intuition / perceptive congruence by men, women, and gays alike), and these were identified as skills in basketball, skills in DoTA, and lifting weights.

Skills

We derive at computing each of the skill subfactors:

[b] = [points + rebounds + assists – fouls + # Nike ballers worn + (female fans x 2) – Male fans – (gay fans x 2)] / 8
[d] = [(kills / min) / (clicks / min) / time spent gaming]
[w] = [benchppress weight x Actual weight / (# female oglers - # spotter - # gay oglers)2]

[s] = {[b] + [d] + [w] x 100%} / 3

Basketball can only be described as the real man’s sport. What kind of sport would not be a more definitive representation of manhood by having a clash of sweaty, testosterone-laden men drive a single ball into a basket?

Weights in its strictest sense, and that of a heterosexual meaning is that it is the absolute necessity for homophobic men to repress their thoughts of themselves on the possibility of being homosexual by needlessly and repetitively lifting heavy slabs of metal for hours on end, in the hopes that male hormones would cloud their impure thoughts. A trip to the shower and seeing other nude men however, would be an attempt in vain since this will trigger the thought of their spotters' crotches.

Finally DoTA. Well, not much can be said about it, since the fear of being assaulted by desperately loveless geeks out there using their keyboards and mouse (as a bludgeoning and as a flail instrument) from bashing the sport, nay, art, would arise. Monster kill.

Relationship

Formula for computing the relationship factor:

[r] = [(# women x # women in public knowledge / 2) - # commitment] / 3

# Women = [l]
# Women in public knowledge [k]
# Commitment = [c]

[r] = {[w] + [l] / 2} – c / 3

It is common knowledge that Eugene has four women, namely ____, _____, _____, and _____ (individual names are hidden for security purposes. Other women who will know their real names will grow envious, and this will ultimately lead to unnecessary violence). And all of these are known to the public, but Eugene has not committed to any of these four dyesebels for the sole reason that if he commits to any one of them, his bachelor’s value will significantly decrease to nil. This is basic relationship economics.

So, this God-given Ozymandias is both a blessing and a curse. He is the dream of all women and envy of all men, yet he cannot commit. He can love, but cannot fall in love. Such selflessness, such dedication to his divine purpose.

Power

The formula for the power factor follows:

[p] = (∑ p / 3) / 3

Summation of scores of power subfactors. In Eugene’s case, these were identified to be 1.) Working in a Multinational Fast Moving Consumer Group company (Proctor and Gamble), 2.) Owning a blue Toyota Vios, and 3.) Owning a decrepit 3G Phone.

A tabular matrix list was initially made to rate status symbols, and the three mentioned were the top three possessions to be considered. Not surprisingly, these three each scored a 100.

Behold. The formula for perfection:



*Reliability and validity of neither the formulaic derivation nor the units were considered. These are mere faux derivations, since to attempt to quantify the true E value, that of Eugene Ong’s, is really infinite.